JOKES IN ENGLISH (Piadas em Inglês)

 

 The First 3 Years of Marriage

• In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
• In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
• In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?

A: A stamp. 

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Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick. 

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Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.  

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Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet. 

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Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope. 

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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!" 

 

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Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin. 

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A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

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A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

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What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

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Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
 

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A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
 

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
 

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What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

• Telegram
• Telephone
• Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
 

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A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
 

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"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
  

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When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
  

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A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!